Matt Jones' Random Acts of Verbiage

When will Osama just leave us alone?

WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all Americans a “crappy Valentine’s Day.”

“This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels’ calendar, may all Americans receive no valentines from their beloved ones,” bin Laden said. “May the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to ‘bee yours’ tell you to ‘buzz off.’”

Bin Laden called for “romantic humiliation for all Americans of courting and betrothal age.”

“Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this day,” bin Laden said. “Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God.”

President Bush instantly spoke out against the new tape saying,

He [Osama] directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent citizens, asking God to quash children’s joy by making them receive, and I quote, ‘only unwanted valentines bearing the laughable likenesses of out-of-favor pop-culture icons from the recent past, such as the Backstreet Boys and the creatures from Monsters, Inc.’ Bin Laden’s depravity knows no bounds.

Bin Laden surely hates the West! Read the entire story here.

I hope everyone has a lovely Valentine’s Day, in spite of Osama.
Shalom